Wednesday, April 28, 2010

“I am not an accident”

“I am not an accident”
April 28, 2010

“O Lord, You saw me before I was born and Scheduled Each day of my life before I began to breathe. Everyday was recorded in your book!”  Psalm 139: 16

“You are not an accident”, You ever wonder when your alone in your room you’re back at 15 years old and your pimpled face and getting ready for high school, the first day of high school and you’re a freshman. You wake up you press your clothes you can’t decide what you want to wear? You feel the pressures already, peer pressure to fit in.

Life is not easy as a young adult and it’s harder when you face the first day of high school, with the ugly truth that you are not the daughter of the man sitting next to you dropping you off at the front of the school on your first day.

That pimpled face girl with bottle capped glasses and the bad hair do’ was me. My Step-father turned to me that day and said there’s something I have to tell you. “I’m not really your father”… now my face was puzzled I didn’t know what to believe I didn’t know why, and I didn’t understand..

I was going to be late. I just wanted to get out of the car. I was afraid to be in the car with him as it was. He went on to explain to me that my mother would have to tell me the truth someday. And I ran down the stairs at high school with tears in my eyes sitting on the cement bench, It was passed my first class and I was alone in school sitting there waiting as the bells rang and not wanting to go to class because I was a mess.

I had to go to class though because I didn’t want to get caught by the safety guard so I went to my counselor and asked for a pass and she turned to me and said why?
Why are you late to your class? Why aren’t you in class? And I said there was something that came up and I was late and she could tell by looking at me I had been crying so did not press to question me further and gave me the pass and I went on to class.

I went through the rest of the day wondering about what he meant and what to expect to hear when I got home. The school day was over and my mother picked me up from school. She didn’t tell me anything she had no idea my step-father had told me what he had told me about not being his daughter.

We got home and I walked in the house and I went to my room and put my belongings down and went straight into the kitchen and asked my mother what she thought he meant by what he had told me. She called me to come sit with her on the couch that day. She had not planned on telling me at a young age. She wanted to tell me when I got a bit older but felt forced now to tell me the truth.

I had been born from a rape that had happened to her. She said as she cried that God was my father and that she was blessed with me and that she had the option for abortion but chose to have me and because she chose to have me she’s been blessed.

Basically, I don’t even remember the rest of this conversation. I don’t recall it at all… I figure because it was a bit of a shock to me at that age… other than what I do remember of it. I knew then and I know now and have always known “God” To be my father and he does not make mistakes, and I am no accident.

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